✵ Poetry: Teh Gay Science ✵

What is in a word? President, Vice Elect. Well, too many syllables for me. Have a snow-cone and remind me later. I am simply Tucker, The Tucker Carlson; The True Blue American Boy with an infectious laugh and perfect head of hair. Here is your official, unofficial notice: I still have a couple of friends left and a few teeth in my head! For a time, I was your trusted Neighborhood source for newsworthy information in the digital form. Buy some coffee, have some tobacco chew; it is free to use, America. Do not let the door swing closed and hit your plump bottoms on the way out to Pakistan. What is in your soap? I will bet not-bacon! Bacon soap. Opa. I am proud of us. Me and my running-mate have been through it and I expect a Guinness on The Gala from the oldest, most sophisticated and handsomest of The Skull and Bones Society. I hear them now down in Washington, "Stop, telling, truth... It may hurt someone." Well, truth hurts, dear, fragile anti-American retrobates. We are The Hong Kong Candidates and you all are out of a job! Opa.

Seattle will vote for us, California may or may not have an election system in place by then. Illuminati Region 1 is in the tank and Switzerland, the more recent State in The Union might not be ready by then. I ask you, election opponents, what do you have? We all need Jimmies on our frozen dairy desert. Opa. I have decided to run for Public Office as The VP Candidate to the 2028 Presidential write-in campaign for: TYLER HANSLIN as long as it is free. Who has money to actually run a campaign? There are only automated chat robots on Twitter, anyway. We are really out here, in Northern New England; jaws clenched in anticipation. I know that you, have seen me, Tucker Carlson, on your TV talking patriotically about whether I am running for pubic office. Now I, Tucker Carlson, want to be clear; I want Tyler Hanslin to have stopped talking about our 2028 Campaign and I am joining him in la raza (Mexican for: The US Presidential race). Is that clear to you incessant mouth breathing, bushies? I gave Tyler Hanslin my word, on three separate occasions that I would run as Tyler's Presidential VP Candidate and a man's word of honor means a true sacred bond. Friends are hard to find and we are the friends. And that was in the tree house; that counts as three triple dog dares; lucky like a cat. But there has been some trust lost between you The American People and I, Tucker Carlson. I assure you we already have our American Flag lapel pins. What else is there to the ceremony?

Clearly, a Presidential Vice Elect needs to have the trust of The People. Especially because Presidential Vice is there to take the reigns in the front line if anything were to happen to the office above this. We need to regain trust between us, American Party. I will let you know with assuredness, that I am the Republican VP running-mate to this upcoming TYLER HANSLIN write-in campaign for President and I want Tyler to have stopped talking about it! Not because I care, not because I am frugal and elections are expensive, not because The Crown of England is going to fashion me with a wardrobe full of clown suits and ties that my friend, Tyler, will make me wear, forever. No, it is because-because it offends my wife and this is my fishing season! She should be playing tennis and instead she is playing Def Leopard as louds as she possibly can tolerate in the common area, with persistently pungent body odor. You may ask me why am I running with such an outspoken intellectual? I might add, that, while 9/11 was funny; I do not agree with everything he says. I have to point that out, because I literally agree with everything she says, and that goes for any biological woman, anywhere: "She." I will write to you frankly here as not to misconstrue my conscious choice and present abuttal to this current administration.

Caught a big one, did you? El Presidente. I do not like the guy. He is a loud and boisterous speaker; he rhymes on occasion; he has long, curly hair and was a poor quality Karate student, as to my recollection. I do not blame you, for disliking him nor our truth, our election campaign nor station in future Office. Alex Jones is a liar and a fatty, fat cheese-whizzy, piddle-puddle cheater. You cannot put the toothpick back into the toothpick jar. These Untied States need us! I have an incredibly astute, private dinner table rapport with Foreign Relations Nationalists. A panthodic flowerbed of mullion where only respect can grow. I have read more books, than anyone I know. I am scared of dark chocolate, because it gives me anxiety. I have one question for you? Does this face make me look fat?

"I want to be Vice President, then." What do I have to do, announce her leaving me? Show some compassion, America. This is a particularly difficult, personal transition for The Carlson Family. My Syrian-Israeli wife has already disowned all of our children together. You owe me your vote-vote for that, and I want rum in my eggnog from now on. If you see me at The CIA Christmas party with a glass in my hand, know that I am getting 'zooted. I pledge to stop wearing clothes from Fish and Game Lost and Found bins; that we will balance the budget for at least our term(s); and free Ibogaine doses for everyone in the Country and every US citizen outside of our beuatious United States. Maybe we can get back some Vetties that stayed in Vietnam if they stop Chasing The Dragon; and to be a charector witness for my running-mate in his upcoming defense in the possible, pending lawsuit from Hannaford food store for him mentioning them in a previous, particularly vicious criminal conspiracy. This is a powerful medium, perhaps he was not thinking clearly. But Market Basket historically is too dangerous of an establishment for people like us to shop at, without an inconvenience arising. It is not funny.

Two years of a single bad decision will ruin your entire life! When you see me at the podium without ny hand on The Bible, that is only because El President Trump did not have to swear on The Goddamn Bible, why should I? It is a New York thing. We believe in Jesus Christ, our Holy Savior and take this stuff, seriously. When you see my interests, in office of the truest signs of Virtue, know that I did not run for the profit nor notoriety. I, Tucker Carlson, ran for VP of these United States because, if I do not, I will go to prison for murdering the Lobster Man and more than likely die in solitary confinement one day in the future. Thank you, sir; may we have another?